On Venturing Despair and Helplessness

It was supposed to be the weekend already. An early weekend that is. The ex asked if I wanted to go away for the weekend on Friday. And back then, it was just before the start of Paediatrics, that I didn't know what was up for grabs on Friday. So I gave my personal details so that bookings and RSVP could be done. And so it was done.

I didn't know why we didn't keep in touch from then till now. But I sent a text message asking if the plan was still on, as I barely heard anything from the other party. We talked a bit, and I said I'll most probably be skipping Friday. Ward rounds. As well as a tutorial session with the proffesor.

"In that case, do you think that you still want to go? Worth it? Or maybe we'll go together next time?"

I went numb. I was trying to get over the messy walk-away. All those nights of anger and tears, and just when I was finally okay, that we finally settled down as friends, Paediatrics come. And now I'm seeing myself less of a cheerful man. I've stopped fooling around with the net. I've cut down on my time going out with friends. And even though the time spent on books and the knowledge gained in the field isn't sufficient to let me barely get a "D" in my exam, I definitely have been venturing into the wards much more than I had before.

I despised the wards. Sometimes. Though it was a mixed feeling (sometimes the toddlers do cheer me up).

So for the past two weeks I was looking forward for the trip. I tried to cook up excuses to get me out of trouble skipping the ward rounds. To the extend that I don't know what will ever happen to me if that ever comes into play. Getting a MC and pretended to be sick is such a bad excuse. And I have since a week ago decided with a better, stronger and morally unchallanged excuse (unless the teacher is some cold-hearted man). It was one that I don't think I would have the nerve to lie on. But it's the only way I can walk away safe.

But I was scared.

I was restless. I didn't know how to turn the offer down. The promise of going together for the short trip. I am a man of my words. If I'm not sure I'll just say I can't confirm anything. But I confirmed with the plan. So I don't really feel good going against the promise.

To the extend that, I was actually finding myself cheerful again after the ward rounds on Tuesday. That it felt as if the weekend is finally here. That half the week is already gone. And I will have the weekend venturing to PJ and meeting up with the few beings that I love after I came back from the trip. Or at least that's what I do on weekends now. The same good friend...

Although the guilt is still there, somewhere deep inside. That I will be telling a lie, to get away from a source of knowledge.

And now that it's mentioned, maybe the ex has finally felt of me walking away. That I'm letting go. That I won't be bugging anymore. That I'm not one to ask to meet on the weekends. After all, what there's what we used to do. Now that I don't bug anymore, there's all those plans of fucking around with random men... Only God knows what it is. What's there to lose? I never proposed. I'm just one of the random men anyways right? So who cares about what the feelings is anymore? Screw it. Fuck it all.

Having said that, me staying back in the ward, the tension will be building up. For the colleagues' ward round today, Prof One went into the ward and randomly asked for the designated student for that particular patient. And they spent 2 hours discussing on 2 cases. I don't know if I have the strength to withstand that anything longer than one hour. Considering the workloads we have, case summaries and clerking every single patient that came in, plus the extra work of doing another poster for the neurologist about the elective project that we did last year for the conference... No one will ever understand how suffocated I feel.

I know it'll be pretty much the same when I reach housemanship, with all the bitchy consultants then, but I'm in my university. It's supposed to be the time I enjoy my life! Medical school or not, it's a university! It's not a good thing to say. Seeing me studying what's supposed to be the profession of providing health care services. But this is exactly what I feel.

I want my getaway. But part of me keeps haunting me. And I just don't know what to do now.

There's just no wonder why there's so many that started as medical students ended up not practicing in the end. I hope I still have the strength to stay on and fulfill what used to be the ambition since the longest time ever.

And please, if you're going to say I'm weak and don't deserve to be here, save that to yourself. As physically big as I am, I'm as vulnerable as an HIV positive to all the infections now. So yeah, I have my time as well. I don't fret and complain that much, I normally just take everything in quietly.

But this is it, 3 weeks of Paediatrics, I am complaining how timid and useless I feel.


photos courtesy of Kaki Bakar, leesengshun and helenashadows