On Not Being Smart Enough

I used to be smart.

I was the top student back in primary school. I managed to secure myself a place in primary five for passing that short-lived PTS exam. I secured straight As in my exams. And when I was in my secondary school, although I wasn't the top, but I still managed to make it into the top 10 in my class, it was the best class; or the top 20 in the whole form. I was actively participating in a lot of the school activities. Debate. Essay writing. Debate. And more debate. And I was known to be good in my language. I was one of the top students in the SPM exam. It was a pity I wasn't able to secure myself that scholarships whatever shit. But look where I am now? I'm still on the path of fulfilling what used to be my dreams since I was ever so young. And I was good. I know I was. WAS.

Until now.

I've been feeling so stupid. Dumb. I could barely answer what the professor asked. And I wasn't able to perform in my exams. Even failed some of them mid-term papers. It was a lot of luck and gratefulness when I learnt that I was able to proceed into my clinical years last year. Considering all the results that was totally screwed up, it's a miracle that I was able to pass my finals.

And that was the confession of once a bright student.

My fucking bull shit.

Halfway through the first half of the clinical years, we've had our fair share of exams and what nots. Medicine posting was a bummer. ObGyn was another bummer. Primary Care was down the drain. Family health was not bad, but Statistics was shit. I passed, barely. And looking at the marks, it seemed as if what helped me make it through the passing mark, came from all the continous assessment. I failed terribly in my exam. I failed my objective paper. I failed my essay paper. And it was a horrible grade for the short case in my Medicine posting.

All the colleagues did better. They scored at least a B in their end-of-postings exam. And it make me look like I'm a fool standing next to them. I probably should blame myself for not studying as much as they all did. And from what I know, all these merely-pass grades are doing so much harm on myself. Have totally lost confidence in myself.

I feel so stupid.

"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll make it through fine." I've been holding on to his words. And hers as well. Everyone told me that when I told them how I've lost my confidence in myself and all those fear of failing medical school.

And it got me wondering, was it really what I wanted in the first place?



ps: photos by Simon Pais-Thomas