Wednesday, January 21, 2009

On Not Being Smart Enough

I used to be smart.

I was the top student back in primary school. I managed to secure myself a place in primary five for passing that short-lived PTS exam. I secured straight As in my exams. And when I was in my secondary school, although I wasn't the top, but I still managed to make it into the top 10 in my class, it was the best class; or the top 20 in the whole form. I was actively participating in a lot of the school activities. Debate. Essay writing. Debate. And more debate. And I was known to be good in my language. I was one of the top students in the SPM exam. It was a pity I wasn't able to secure myself that scholarships whatever shit. But look where I am now? I'm still on the path of fulfilling what used to be my dreams since I was ever so young. And I was good. I know I was. WAS.

Until now.

I've been feeling so stupid. Dumb. I could barely answer what the professor asked. And I wasn't able to perform in my exams. Even failed some of them mid-term papers. It was a lot of luck and gratefulness when I learnt that I was able to proceed into my clinical years last year. Considering all the results that was totally screwed up, it's a miracle that I was able to pass my finals.

And that was the confession of once a bright student.

My fucking bull shit.

Halfway through the first half of the clinical years, we've had our fair share of exams and what nots. Medicine posting was a bummer. ObGyn was another bummer. Primary Care was down the drain. Family health was not bad, but Statistics was shit. I passed, barely. And looking at the marks, it seemed as if what helped me make it through the passing mark, came from all the continous assessment. I failed terribly in my exam. I failed my objective paper. I failed my essay paper. And it was a horrible grade for the short case in my Medicine posting.

All the colleagues did better. They scored at least a B in their end-of-postings exam. And it make me look like I'm a fool standing next to them. I probably should blame myself for not studying as much as they all did. And from what I know, all these merely-pass grades are doing so much harm on myself. Have totally lost confidence in myself.

I feel so stupid.

"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll make it through fine." I've been holding on to his words. And hers as well. Everyone told me that when I told them how I've lost my confidence in myself and all those fear of failing medical school.

And it got me wondering, was it really what I wanted in the first place?

ps: photos by Simon Pais-Thomas

7 Jujus:

Danny said...

1st of all, nobody is stupid... everyone is good at their very own way :)
not sure if its too late but u shld think again on WHAT U REALLY WANT :)
stay strong & good luck :)

foongpc said...

If you were smart previously, it's not possible to become stupid suddenly. So maybe it's either you are not focused in your studies, or you are actually not sure what you want. You need to sit down and do some thinking : )

Glog said...

Don't be discouraged la...
I failed a paper in my second year of my degree and i failed even my referrals... Now I am stuck in the middle of no where but hey...
I pick up my beans and move on...
You can too dear.

Serm said...

gosh..dont be too hard on dont have to always be the smartest one of the lot :)

Silencer said...

well,i walked the path u have.
we r very much the same.

*Anton* said...

Everyone is special in their own unique way. Stupid med student? I definitely doubt it! ^_^


Ban said...

Hey, you must be quite smart if you were always first in class last time. Now though you're in a difficult field, it's not school anymore. Just do your best- if in the end it doesn't work, there are plenty of other options open to you.