My Deepest Wishes...

I remembered, not quite vividly though, that Mum rushed out of the house.

"Grandma is in the hospital. You stay at home. I'll go pick ur sis and we'll head to the hospital."

"I want to go..." I pleaded

"No, stay at home. Kakak will look after you."

And I obliged. Kakak, as how we called our baby sitter almost 12 years ago, were busy in the kitchen. I wasn't panic. Or maybe I was. But the reason I was panic would be because Mum looked so scared. I continued watching the cartoon on the television, and think nothing else.

****

The phone rang. And I ran over to pick it up. At the tender age of 8, kids always wanted to act mature and pretended like an operator for the house.

"Grand... grandma... she... she passed away... " Mum was sobbing...

I was silent. I didn't say anything.

"You heard me? No more grandma, my son... no more..." and she sobbed even more...

I was dumb-founded. And I looked at Kakak who by then came stood next to me. She stared at me and my eyes turned watery...

I put down the phone by the small table and ran to the living room. I didn't know what happened next, but I remembered I lied beneath the couch and started sobbing. Grandma passed away. I tried so hard to remember what was happening. How can this be? And I started crying even more. I tried to breath slowly, but the tears are choking me.

****

"Son, come here..." When I woke up, I saw mum kneeling down next to me.

Kakak told mum I cried myself to sleep that afternoon. I didn't quite realized I dozed off for that matter, but I remembered mum coaxing me about the bad news.

"Don't cry... don't cry..." Her tender voice comforted me. But then again, I still couldn't stop thinking that I've lost my dear maternal grandma. "Come, sleep on the couch. It's cold on the floor. Come on now, don't cry..."

****

After the burial, Dad relocated us siblings back into their room. Sis was 11, and younger bro was only 5. I couldn't recall what made he and mum moved us into the master bedroom, but I could roughly tell that it was the dreams of grandma.

For nights after the funeral, I remembered hearing mum's crying silently in the middle of the night. Everyone was extremely tired. Dad tried his best to comfort mum, but knowing dad as the macho man who isn't the tiny bit romantic, I'd rather he didn't say anything and just lent mum his shoulder.

The next few weeks, mum was sullen. Her eyes were swollen and her nose were as red as Rudolph's. Sometimes I would think she was over-reacting. But I always scolded myself for ever thinking about that. I always punish myself by putting myself in her shoes, and given how close mum is to all of us, I wouldn't stop crying as well.

****

As I grew up, the image of grandma started to fade away. I tried so hard to remember how she looks like and how she was like. Mum said grandma had superb calculating skills. Despite not able to go to school, grandma was able to manage the family's finance well. And I remembered, I always whisper for grandma's help silently in my heart when I was sitting for Maths exam in school.

And I remembered the very few distinctive conversation we ever had. Between me and grandma. There were once when Mum was out, and grandparents came visiting. Mum called and asked me to keep them company. Grandma was sitting at the dining table and reading the newspaper. I walked up to her and looked at the chinese characters together with her. And somehow she started to joke about words. About sis's name. About my name. And about lil bro's name. As well as the name of a place in inland Sarawak called "Kapit" that she always thought was actually a briefcase.

That was the most vivid memory I ever had with grandma.

****

Last year, I asked mum about grandma. What was the cause of her death.

She had diabetes. Type II diabetes. And the disease deteriorate. Her kidney started to fail. And she went for dialysis. It was aweful. And I understood why grandma decided to give in. Dialysis is never without severe pain.

The worst bit was, Mum told us it was as if grandma knew her time had come. We visited grandma the day before she passed away. Mum cooked a lot. We were having some grand gathering at grandma's house. And Mum told us she asked what grandma wanted the following day, we could go visit again. Somehow, grandma declined and asked us not to trouble ourselves. The following day during lunch time, uncle said grandma walked to fill herself a cup of water. She fainted and went unconscious. And the doctors did all their might but what was destined to be, we cannot change.

Up till today, I still wish so much that I could dream of grandma once again. Scientifically, it was said that you dream about things you think about right before you sleep. But that didn't help. Conservatively, when you dreamt of someone who passed away, it was that the soul of that beloved coming to visit you in your dreams. I guess, I am the later when it comes to cases like this. I wished she would appear in my dream, all this while...

For I'm missing her all dearly....

..:: ~~ ::..

KK rushed home 2 hours ago. His paternal grandpa gave in to congestive heart failure.

Our deepest condolence, bro... May he rest in peace...