Awaiting Death ~

"Good morning everyone. My name is Nona Wan. And I'm here today to share with you, my experiences. I'm diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic lung cancer and 5 tumors in my brain. I was diagnosed last year around December."

We had a doctor from Hospis for our lecture today. He invited one of his friends (a.k.a Mdm. Nona) to share with us, what is it like to live everyday, knowing that we will die one day. And by that, it's not the same kind of knowing, it's the knowing that you will leave earth one day in the near future. "Yes everybody will die eventually, just that I have mine came along with a death certificate."

"It didn't get to me when I was first told. I was not feeling anything even. I was... numb. It was only after a few more CT scans and X-rays that it hit me. But up till now, I've only cried 2 times. Of course I was scared. I was very afraid. At one point, I breath so fast. And I was thinking, this is it, this is it, I'm going to die. I breathed so fast. I didn't know how I will die. So my children will come to me and ask me to breath slowly...

Actually, I only started my chemo after my birthday. When I was diagnosed last year, I said I want to postpone my treatment. My birthday is in January you see. And I don't know when I will leave. So, I want my birthday this year to be my last one. Normally, when people know their time is almost up, they want whatever they do to be their last. With wonderful memory about it too. So my husband and my children helped me celebrate my birthday. It was such a jolly one. All my friends were there.

I only started my chemo around February. I thought I could take it, because I was always a strong and healthy person. But after the second time, I became so weak. I was so weak until I cannot even turn my body. My whole body was aching. Finally the oncologist talked to me. And I thought she was right. I better live my remaining days happily rather than lie sick on a bed. So I started to eat, and I became stronger. The more stronger I am, the more I eat. And I gain weight, so I'm back to my old self. And now, I'm still alive."

And then and there again, her husband sitting if front of me, was scratching his head and shook repeatedly. He took his specs off and started to rub his eyes. And it struck me how couragous he is. The whole family even. Having your loved ones diagnosed with a fatal disease, and not knowing the prognosis, anytime he or she will leave, it's just... too much to handle.

It was awe-inspiring. I was amazed at how Mdm. Nona took what happened to her. And that's when I realized, I was being stupid over the past few days. "So what can I do? I told myself, what happened, happened. I cannot do anything about it. So I asked myself, what my next step should be."

True enough, what happened, happened. I cannot rewind the time and make sure things didn't go as bad as it is for me now. And so, I decided perhaps I should just pat myself on the back, and tell myself it was a tough war. But what past is the past, so I should get myself trained for the ones coming. Let the lost war be a lesson, and let it be a lesson learnt for the future.

"All I can do is, wake up everyday and thank God it's another blessed day..."

And I still admire her for being so brave. How fragile life can be...