On the Angry Medie

I don't know why I'm even bothered to keep writing with this blog. If even this blog is gonna be an issue in everything I'm doing.

I had a huge row with my Dad just now. Give a damn what day it is tomorrow. A mother wha? Whatever. I'm not the filial son you all thought I was. I'm as stubborn as I am now and I can be even more rebellious and I could so go further to hurt all of you.



Dad demanded that I talked to him on Skype. When he's in that kind of tone, it's definitely not something good. Question 1, have I ever really think about what I really what to do with my life? I'm already 24 years old. It's been one month, and I'm still in this angry state and it's not doing anyone any good. Question 2, have I been smoking and taking drugs? He knows I've been drinking, but no one in the family ever agrees to smoking and taking drugs.

And I was stunned.

It went on and on about me not being able to pull myself up from the turmoil, and I'm still wasting my time going out meeting friends, drinking beers, and partying till late at night and only come home in the midnight. God knows what I was doing in the afternoon, now that classes are usually in the morning, and me being the leftovers who are not qualified to work, things just doesn't seem interesting in the hospital.

So now that I'm given another chance like this, shouldn't I be taking it and start to buckle up and start all over? Rather than go for booze and all. What if I fail again? And again? Loans are not provided anymore, so it all comes from the Dad's pocket.

He said it's best that I go to the library. Back in form 5 when things got out of hand with internet addiction and Mum started to send me to the library every afternoon, and things eventually set out back on track. If I was able to do it back then, then I should be able to do it now?

No one is at home in the afternoons when I got home. It's just too comfortable, I won't be able to study anyways. I should stay in school. Swallow the books, and forget about every other thing. No more friends, just hospital, books, eat and sleep. That's what life should be from now on.

Going out for booze and getting drunk is not the solution. It's been one month now and if I'm still over with the misery, things is not gonna be okay. What's more with the lecturer scolding that I don't study because I bloody can't recall the bloody phrase "acute limb ischemia", it just proves I haven't been studying enough. My heart's not in it.

And if I can't get that stupid degree at the end of this 5 years, I'm wasting the past 5 years of my life doing nothing! What should I be doing then? I'm only bloody 24 years old! How am I gonna survive in KL?

It seems like I'm trying to escape from the reality. I go into my own stupid corner, God knows what I'm doing, and wasting this chances and go out loitering on weekends. If I'm in misery, I'm also causing misery onto people around me. I'm bringing them all down together. They've only got 2 more years to go before their retirement. Who is gonna support me then?

All these outings with people who are already working, they've got stable incomes, they want to live their life, then okay that's their choice. But I'm still a student. I have nothing to support myself. I can't afford to lose this chance. Just the last exam for that bloody certificate.

What's more with the new ruling of the freeze in the new intake of medical students, to bloody ensure the quality of the house officers we have now. The classmates are all going into the working world, they too, would be facing lots of problems in work. But since I'm still a student, shouldn't I be appreciating this and make full use of the opportunity and buckle up?

You think it's easy for him too? He has colleagues, and relatives to explain to. When his friends talk about their kids, he had to lied under his breath that I'm gonna take the exam later. He too, is not enjoying this.

And this blog of mine, he's got staff reading it and going to him telling I'm gay and I take drugs. It's not a personal blog, yet I've been blogging about obscene stuff and the whole world is able to read it.

So, I have one night to really think about it. Think about what I want to do, and tell him what my plan is today. If I want to quit, then fine, go ahead, I can quit. If there's no more heart in it, what's the point of causing so many misery?


I didn't stare at him throughout the entire 30 minutes of lecture. After the protest that I don't smoke, I just kept quiet and take in all the stabbings until he asked me to tell him what my plan is.

And I erupted.


Dad, you think it's nice to ignore all your advice like this? You think I've been enjoying too much and not studying? You think I'm all alone at home the whole afternoon jerking off to porn? You think all the notes on the table are just there because I just got them 3 weeks ago?

You don't bloody know a single thing and you're listening to your bloody staff telling you what bloody things that you don't see for yourself and you're accusing me of not taking this opportunity and wasting my time, that what, I'm smoking and I'm taking drugs now?

So you think I'm happy going out drinking and getting high and forget about all this and go into trance for that momentary euphoria, and when the effect's gone, I'd go out drinking again?

Is that it? Is that how you've been thinking?

I don't bloody want to talk to you or Mum about any of what bloody time-wasting thing I've been doing because I know to you guys, whatever I'm doing is just not good enough, unless I camp out in the library, swallow all the books like what you forced me to do when I was 18 years old.

I'm only coming back home now because I haven't thought of how I want to die. If you want to end this all, to end seeing me in such a low mood and start wondering that I'm not buckling up and hit on the race track again, FINE, 3 strips of Panadol is good enough to cause the liver failure.

I'm not telling you how sad I am because I really am. This frown you all think I'm purposely putting it up, because I bloody couldn't smile to anything anymore, and you think a smile is such an easy thing to do at this time. I'm not as strong as you would hope. 1 month has passed, and there's only 5 months, you think I don't bloody know about that? I have been dreading to end this myself. And I'm only staying on because I don't feel like letting you down.

So now I'm already letting you down. You really want to feel what hurt really is? I'm only living now because Mum threatened my ending would also means hers.

And I took the earphone off and threw it in front of the monitor, stood up and locked myself in the room.


GOD! Sometimes I don't think all this over-caring is helping. It's stressful okay!? It's not helping at all! NOT BLOODY HELPING AT ALL!



To Dad's staff, if you're still able to read this, even though I had changed my URL, go report this to my Dad. If even this blog is gonna be an issue, get a real life.