Sorry for being all emo lately. The heart break kicked in real bad. Like a dagger piercing through the chest and ruptured my lungs and stopped my heart.
Mum was insistent that I go back. For a gathering. I haven't been back since Chinese New Year. And the brother would be leaving the country soon. I didn't know what to answer her. She said "You've hurt yourself outside, it's time to come back home, your home sweet home before you go out again. Just like the little birds. Home is still where you belong. It hurt us too to see you sad like that. Come home please?"
I said, I couldn't. I have no mood to do anything right now. I just can't I don't know what to do.
And dad said, we know, we can see that and we heard that through your voice. Come home, we'll sit down and talk over it properly.
I still couldn't decide. Even if I go back, with this sort of mood and face, do you think you'll be happy? Do you think the brother would be happy? And to see him going into the same field, and knowing that his older brother was struggling just to stay alive, how would he ever look at me the same way again?
And finally I told them, I am too embarrassed to go home. I can't face them. I feel like I'm a loser. I don't deserve to go home.
7 Jujus:
u shldn't feel embarass for what you've done... cos u r already better than lots of ppl out there..
and u shld b glad that u hv such a supportive family.. ( from what i can se la ) :)
stay strong & take care :)
no, there is no "embarass" within family members, your home is a place for you to heal.. and before you think of hurting yourself, think how you already have hurt other people who love you.. so go back, for a retreat or whatever, you'll be embraced in your family's love.. from there you'd start again.. :)
Chin up! Things can only get better!
Never be embarassed by what you have achieved. You tried your best - and you will try again. That's all that matters in medicine. Don't give up.
Go home and be with your family. It's good to have unflagging support at times like this. Your parents will always love you no matter what.
hey dude~ r u ok? stay strong ok...
although i'm not sure wat has happened, but things will get better soon... cheer up
Dude... have a safe trip home... enjoy all your hometown food ... don't forget to get me some ;p
Hajime mashite!
This would be my first time commenting here.
I think you should go home.
I've been in the same situation as you.
Months later, i'm redoing it again. Though embarrassing as it might seemed, the feeling will slowly fade away. Peer pressure will be there around. But have someone to stand beside you when these happen. (usually family members, my Dad and Mum stood behind me, been there to support me after my fall from grace)Of course, jealousy and envy is there. But you'll eventually stop caring about others' business and only cared about yourself. Selfish as it might seemed, but this is to protect yourself from getting more hurt.
LIFE'S TOUGH. Someone told me about herself. Things won't go like what you want it to be. Learn from the mistakes in the past.
You were having a hard time adjusting yourself to a new environment. And that I think affected you in some kind of way when your exam was held.
No use telling you to cheer up. Cause you won't. Sleep. That's one of the best thing to do. Makes you forget everything. Or talk with your confidants. Vent all your feelings. Sadness and anger. Laze around doing what you like best at home. After a while, gather some courage... and face the reality.
THIS IS ONLY ONE OF THE FEW HARDSHIPS TO GET TO YOUR DREAM PROFESSION.
Why called it a dream? Cause you need to sacrifice something else before getting the real thing. Once you get through it, everything will feel finally right.
About your sibling, tell them what you went through. They will not look down on you but will ask more advices from you. Cause you've been there. Like what I did to my brother. Never once he looked down upon me. I advised him to learn from my mistakes and not to repeat it.
You'll get through this soon. Not now. Let time do the healing. Gain your confidence again and face your crowd. If you can't even do this, don't think of getting back into this field. There's a reason why they call senior docs devilish.
God Bless You. All the best.
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