On Settling Down

It was like, a text message received at 10 in the morning saying that the transport lorry is on the way that I practically rushed back to get the remaining of the packing covered. Before I even managed to label every bags and boxes I've got, news had it that the lorry had arrived. And roughly one hour later, I was already in the compound of the main campus. 2 more hours later, all the bags and boxes were all stuffed into the small single room. I went out after that to get some linolium carpet and lunch. It took me another 2 hours to get the room organized.

But not entirely.

I told my soulmate that I really don't know where to start. And it was a true telling that I practically don't know how to start unpacking. The room was pretty clean so to speak, livable once we moved in. The trouble only lies with the unpacking.

Got all the books sorted at least.

And probably just less than half of the entire wardrobe I have unpacked.

The cupboard is too small for me to unload my massive amounts of t-shirts and shorts and what nots. So I had to resolve in keeping them still in the bag that I moved them in. For the time being, I hope.

My mind was still whirling from all the culture shock that, I think for the first time in 3 years I felt... Lost. It's a feeling as if your family has left you in a new college and you were about to set on a journey of your own when you realize that, you're too scared to make the first step out.

I took a shower and locked myself inside the room, chatting with the soulmate until it was dinner time. But even the screaming stomach didn't manage to get me to leave the room and walk to the dining hall. Cycles of living in a hostel with "dining card" are starting all over again, when the last that I had was basically... 3 years ago.

I took a nap, and woke up with my body glued to the bed. The fan is blasting at full speed I don't think I even need my stand fan any longer. I was shivering in cold in fact, for I was literally underneath the fan. It was half past 7 when I finally got my heavy feet stamping on the ground.

As I walked towards the dining hall, familiar faces of all those colleagues of mine chit-chatting with their close friends and laughing away gave me a huge pang. Where are my brothers? Where were the group of friends that I had been hanging out with? I managed to at least got my plate and sat near the crowd where most of the batchmates were, and I tried to get my feelings settled.

But it didn't help.

I walked back to my room with a heavy heart. Ex-roomie's going to the ward already. While I, still lost in the midst of confusion with all the mental exhaustion turmoil, tried so hard not to let those tears flow.

Soulmate sent an encouraging message, "Give yourself sometime, you will be fine. Your colleagues also will feel a bit weird now. This is what you will feel. I felt that too when I stayed alone. If you feel like talking, you know who you can look for. I'm always here for you."

Anton called to bring my spirits up. "Rejoyce. Isn't that what you've been looking forward for the past weeks? To live alone?"

I don't know really. In the midst of all the familiar faces, right next to the hustle bustle of the highway leading to the non-sleeping capital of the country, I just find myself... lost. The feeling of homesickness finally kicks in. Or somewhat. And I'm just practically as messy as my room is.

When Mum called in the night, I finally cried. First time in years as far as I could ever remember...

At least writing it out helped calm the feelings, despite not knowing why I really felt this way...