On the Slap I've Got

So the conference was finally over last Saturday, not exactly with a bang or anything. The last talk that I attended on Diabetic neuropathy, once the speaker said thank you, the chairman just thanked everyone who have stayed till the end.

And when I got out from the conference hall, booths outside were already being taken down by the workers. Speaking about efficiency.

One of my seniors were talking about their future prospect. Surgery earns you big bucks, and somehow it just seemed more glamorous than internal medicine. While cardiology being the most common form of subspeciality of internal medicine in this country, neurology oddly isn't. And apparently, internal medicine like neurology, you don't really perform. You think. And in the end, you look older growing all those whites on top of your head, and you earn less. Instead, you go to conferences like this and eat good food.

Dr. Neurologist told us last year that it isn't really that hard a subject, although it is pretty difficult. In terms of understanding. I felt so too. But the thing about me is, understanding is one, but remembering them is another. So more often than not, I flunked pretty badly when I'm answering my questions.

I tried really. I'm setting a goal. I pledged to study real hard. And I want to be good. I salute the dovey for being an inspiration. And I know I should stop being so disgusted with J's attempt of parading over with his over-enthusiasm in clinical school.

But as time passes by with just another 3 months before the final of my 3rd year, I began to panic. It seemed as if I haven't been doing anything much for the past one year I was stationed in Klang. I've been fooling around and enjoying life, to the extend that I think I haven't been doing anything beneficial really. No doubt, I think it's safe to say I'm familiar with the steps of all those physical examination and history takings, but they're just steps that you follow. Anything that requires you to think further, or to relate and put it into a larger picture, I'm a mute.

So coming back to all the books that sat neatly on the shelf, with the environmental health exam coming up tomorrow, I guess I have to start reflect and be really serious about what I'm doing. *WAKE UP WAKE UP*

It's been quite a bad time really. Friends whom I confided in would've understand, or not. Probably not. Basically stayed up till 4 in the morning trying to finish the report of what we did in Maran last month. And with the exam in hand, you could expect me running in and out delegating my jobs with the deputy chief editor and some other good hands I know I could count on. While the room mate slept soundly at 3 in the morning, I was practically asking myself if I could actually ace through this month without cracking under pressure. Or in a bigger picture, medical school in general.

So let's see, case summary due in next week. Occupational health exam the week after next week. And end of medical posting exam 2 weeks after that. And surgery comes in soon after. Like it's not enough with occupying us with those time-wasting problem based learning sessions, I think there's going to be more ward rounds with the doctors from the hospital which probably would just end up having me being criticised to the least compared to germs. And with that, I see myself panicking for the GRANDE finals in August.

Superficial and solid materials that I get from the conference, I guess I shouldn't be all happy joy joy over the pens that could actually last me till my final year.

No, I didn't learn much about neurology from the conference. It just opened my eyes as to what I have always wanted. Living in KL and being exposed to all the entertainment available in excess, I was pretty much blinded. I have been finding myself problems of my own, such as all those emotional turmoils over petty stuff and getting all emo over non-existent relationships, when I should be in actual fact, work my arses off focusing on what's bestowed upon me.

I'm blessed really. So slap me hard if I drift off again will you?

And I shall work towards having my work published in the Lancet in the future. That's one of the minor goals I have in achieving my ultimate goal.

By the end of life, I will eventually know I've lived a good life. Somewhat.

ps: I'm letting go of A, no more waiting. T, I mean it this time. I will try to...