On Post-Exam Depression

I used to be scared of exams, especially clinical exams, so more often than not, I fumbled when I'm going on a one-on-one session with a professors; and most of the time, I came out feeling really really bad. When I was still in my 3rd year, I despaired over a very bad result, I felt disappointed over not passing a certain end of posting test.

But everybody said, as we get along, we would somehow got immune to it, that we wouldn't really feel so scared anymore. And in my case, I think it's totally gone, like, gone GONE. None. Nil. End of posting to me, is just like any other day. I didn't feel THAT nervous, maybe a little bit, but I wasn't trembling or anything like I used to.

But, I think it is a bad thing. I really really wish I would feel scared once more. I wanted that feeling back, that nervousness, and that post-exam anxiety. Because to me, those are the real feelings that I should have.

Somehow, ever since I went through the worst failure in my life (up till now), I started of see things more lightly and readily accept failures. Partly I think it's good, I guess. Because otherwise, I would definitely have been on some antidepressant medications or something. But on the other side, I think it's bad too, because somehow I'll just take everything lightly, like, I wasn't really bothered.

Which, is what really happening now.

Passing the end of posting test, or failing one, I didn't feel much anymore. I came out really relieved and happy. I thought I did pretty well. Despite the professors showing some stern face, I assumed it was because her nature's like that, everybody said so. And I thought I did okay, that I would pass.

But later on in the afternoon, when we had our review with her, she commented on my mistakes. Things that I thought were trivial, turned out to be a fatal mistake. Not fatal as in, fatal would kill the patients. But even if I missed it, I don't really think I would kill the patient. After all, we were trained to be safe doctors, weren't we? So as much as I thought the patient would still be the same, if not better with my treatment, steps I've missed wouldn't be that much of deal.

But to the professors, it's not as simple as that. We were ground to our cores, the basics, and everything from the start. Apparently, short cuts are not in their dictionaries.

And with that, I saw my marks. I miserable 4.

That was, very dangerous. I've lost my fear. Bad thing. I really need to buckle up... I really do...