On the Result Day

Dr. weber of Grey's Anatomy said, it's okay to feel scared, it's good to feel scared, because it means you have something to lose.

I couldn’t agree more.

It was a restless night after the final paper to which I think I was given one of the most difficult case I could ever wished for. It’s bad enough if we were assigned to a paediatric group of patient, it is worse when the patient has a chronic problem of cerebral palsy with global developmental delay and epilepsy for the past 15 years. And to top it all, I was examined by one of the professors in paediatrics department who is also a paediatric geneticist. Theory paper was hard as well. So if it’s not enough that we’ve been praying that we wouldn’t blanked-out in the exam hall, it’s also a torturous thought that we have to pass all our papers in order to pass this examination as a whole. Should we miss in one of the 3 components, even if our aggregates are enough to secure us a comfortable passing grade, we still fail the examination as a whole. That was what happened to me in the last exam.

I have been praying every day before I went to the exam hall. My mum went to the temple everyday and prayed for me as well. My colleagues were showing me the greatest moral support I ever could think of. And the close cliques of friends I have from the blogosphere who came to know about the most depressing event of the year stood aside me all these while as well. I have no one else but myself to blame if I fail again.

I didn’t dare to go to sleep last night. I went on a movie marathon, watching a series of movies I have since 2 years ago. I watched 27 dresses. I watched Elizabeth the Golden Age. I watched Bee Movie. I watched Accepted. And I doze off finally at 7 in the morning, successfully, without having needed to worry about the result which was to be released in the afternoon.

Mum called me up around 8 in the morning saying she went all the way to the temple where we used to go during Chinese New Year, or before every major examination, and made a light offering. I had nothing to say but the greatest gratitude to her for she has been as worried as I was for the past 2 months. The moment I broke down 2 months ago, by the car park, when I came to know my result, she wept together with me on the other side of the phone.

I never remembered I was this scared before. I never remembered I ever went to look at my result by myself before I got to know about my results from my friends. I never knew I would be this stressed out. My heart was beating so hard I could literally see my chest heaving with every beat. And I nauseated all the time, since the start of the exam week.

The dean’s office only re-opened at 3 in the afternoon, despite most of us were waiting outside the glass door, potentially collapsing anytime soon due to arrhythmias. When the chief clerk finally came out with the name list in her hands, everyone rushed forward.

“Don’t tear down the list, I’m only sticking it up with cellophane tape.” She warned.

The first list was of the students from the sister faculty in Perak. Everyone from the main campus thought we all passed as the people in the list who didn’t make it were from the sister campus. But when the second list came up, I finally saw my name, along with most of the others who have strived together with me for the past 2 months. The immediate reaction was to jump in joy. YES! I made it! We made it! We passed! We hugged each other and congratulated each other before I made the first call.

“Mum. The result is out. I passed.”

Mum was silent for a second or two before her voice came through. She was shaking, obviously cracking in joy as well. She has been worrying for the past few weeks. And she too, couldn’t sleep the night before. “This is the happiest day since as long as I could remember!” Her voice started to crack.

I told her I’d call back later after I went through the list. A handful of our compatriots failed to make it pass the exam. Tears were seen shedding in the scene; most of joy, but some of sadness. I walked over to talk to one of my colleagues who didn’t quite make the mark. He’s not stupid or anything, he has the knowledge, in fact I believe more than me! Maybe his lucky star didn’t shine again this time, and for the second time, he had to face the disappointment that is ever so hard to bear.

I talked to my mum again later. Sister called to ask about the result. Dad sent a text asking me to call back soon because he too, was very anxious. After all that, I sent text messages to inform the close friends and my colleagues who had been ever so supportive.

I gotta agree with my mum, this is pretty much the happiest moment I’ve ever had in a long time. My deepest and most sincere gratitude to my friends and my colleagues who have been supporting me all these while. Mr. Tan, Mr. Anton, Mr. TZ, Joshy and many others who’ve given me moral support all along. Thank you.

I am finally in my final year of my medical school education. It’s going to be another gruesome year with another round of torturous exam in the end. But it’s going to be graduation I’m seeing then.

Medicine isn’t black and white. It is grey and most of the times things just don’t appear to be as distinct as we hoped them to be. It doesn’t matter how long we take to finish this journey, for what we know, we’ll never complete it anyways, and we have a lifetime to do it. We can never say we’ve finished studying, because it’s evolving every day.

So here goes to my friends who failed to make the mark, don’t give up!

And once again, thanks to everyone who've been giving me all those words of encouragement.