On Coming Back to Disappointments

One week back in the hometown was a bliss, though I still failed to turn my frown upside down. I wasn't able to smile, and there just nothing that seemed to cheer me up. I'm no utterly sad, but the fact that I was killed and stabbed in the heart multiple times was pretty hard to come by, and the would is too deep to be healed in a week or two.

I finally boarded the plane and reached KL in one piece. I thought I would be haunted by the past and the place wouldn't be the same again. But looking out of the bus window, all the skycrappers looked all so familiar to me. And I remembered how much I loved this city. Maybe it wasn't that bad anyways.

But the fact that I'm going to have my classes start one week earlier than other people and to have another major exam coming up soon, it's like I'm anticipating another heart attack. The anxiety of waiting and not knowing what the outcome will be like, it's as good as killing myself already.

No I won't kill myself that easily. There's just no point in ending one's life because of depression. But if anything, antidepressant would be pleasant. I failed to control my emotions. I let it run loose. And my heart beat so hard sometimes I thought it was going to explode inside. So hard that, even when I sit calmly on the chair, I could feel it beating. That was how anxious I was of the future.

I can't see anything anymore. There's no picture of success, there's no picture of what I pictured myself to be in the future. Everything is so bleak. Everything just seemed so blur. Everything just seems like, it's all a bad bad dream...

How I wished I'll succumb to all this hoo-hah disease everyone is scared about. Perhaps that's a good ending. To all of us. Yes I'm a coward. I avoid predicaments. I don't face them hard on. I'm just a plain coward.

But deep down, that distant voice of myself told me, how everytime during my examinations back when I was younger, I would scribble around, "Score A! Enter UM!" or whatever shits. And so I made it. Now what?