On Walking Alone

A gush of cold air blew onto me as I opened the door. It wasn't sunny or bright, puddles of water laying still on the badminton court below, reflecting what seemed to be a grey sky. Grim.

As I walked towards the bathroom, strains of thought shivered me. What would happened next year, assuming that I pass my exam smoothly in July, is beyond what I could control. Who could predict? All we could do, is just to work hard for the present, hoping that the future would be better.

I looked back at the friends I've made in life. No one really stays. Or rather, I think I never really work hard enough to maintain what we had worked for. Friends from primary school and secondary school, seemed to have lesser and lesser contact as time passes by. Time we used to spend together when we go to the same class everyday, it seems so hard now that we no longer hang out at the corridor munching on sandwiches during recess time. For what seperates us now, is not just different classes at different times, but in fact different time zones and wide oceans. We no longer have things to talk about, not even during gatherings, that all we ever talked about now, were just reminiscing how fun it was when we were younger.

I've always made friends by groups, from school. I walked alone in primary school because I didn't play basketball like most of the guys do, instead I went practicing for story telling and public speaking most of my recess time. When most of my peers grew up playing games, I found myself mute when we talk about childhood games now. I realized my childhood was practically, non existent.

So when I found myself the brotherhood I have in university, it was as if I've found myself the treasure of my life, friendship. I was happy, my mum was happy. We walked through the first year boycotting life in college. The entire college were against us for not participating in any of the activities. But we had the greatest time for ourselves exploring the city. Coming from different part of the country, we blend along well with each other. To the extend that, we practically lived together for the entire year following that. We went out clubbing, on short trips, shopping, travelling... Good ol'days. Now that we're in clinical school, things started to change.

I began to realize as if they're not mine alone. We're no longer the rebels. We're in different postings, and we began to have our own friends. But, even with different postings that we are in right now, we're still able to find ourselves time to go out and hang out together. Although it seems right now that, we're begining to lose the common topics which pulled ourselves together. We're getting busier and busier with our own lives, those in relationships with their dates, those who are not preoccupy themselves with some other things. Perhaps I was being possessive, I know I always was selfish.

But as we're approaching the end of our stay in Klang, the new list of the new groupings is finally released.

I know it's not nice of me to say we don't like another people, but it is always impossible to like everybody. Most of the time, I avoid the people whom I don't get along with. I tried to like people whom I'm not fond of. But I just don't get it that, why of 200 people in the entire batch, I was still so 'lucky' to be arranged into the same group as them?! Can't they let me be happy for my last year of medical school? Can't they at least just leave me with someone who I have no feelings for if I can't be with the brothers? And why do I always have to be stuck to these people whom I've never been fond off from the start?!

Now don't you go telling me that's the reason why I should spend more time with them. I give a damn.

I guess I'm better off alone. I foresee my final years walking the ward alone at night and early in the morning. I foresee I walk to class alone. I foresee there'll always be an expressionless face. And I foresee I'm going to be alone.

Like how the sky is this morning, I guess life will be pretty grim in the next 2 years.

Seriously! They should start to let us choose who we want to have our class together with! WTF!