Retrospect '07~

New year, comes the new hope. How time flies... Yet what's past, will remain the past.

I remembered telling myself I need to improve my grades as we progressed from the care-free world of phase 1 into the phase 2 of medical school in the middle of the year. End of phase 1 marked the end of the going outing for movies and supper, and with the fabulously planned out trip as the boys followed me back to my hometown for 12 long days, I couldn't agree more that would be what I still remember of phase 1. Of course, there's the miserable life in residential college, isolating myself from the seniors, and of course, staying up late in the study room at the residential college as examinations were approaching.

And that was how the early first quarter of my year was spent.

Somehow, as the 3 months holidays came to an end around July this year, I made a few resolutions. Resolutions for the new phase that was. 1) To study really hard despite I'll be staying in a resort-like apartment, 2) To turn to blogspot for peace and spill-out, and 3) To enjoy life more as pressure's kicking in... And no doubt, enjoying life it was, until the primary resolution turned out totally ugly. More so, without even realising, it's the new year approaching...

End of the year 2007 marked only half of the phase two. But half of a phase 2 is enough to make me realize, it's not worth it to sacrifice the pain of butt-ache for sitting long hours on ends trying to get the things taught into my mind, for the sheer bit moments of hanging out in the living room, catching up on the drama series on TV3. I walked alone a lot as the year 2007 was coming to an end. Not that I enjoyed it, but I felt like I don't deserve having a company. Yes, morbid I may sound, I just couldn't help feeling so.

As I pretty much ruined the outings with my family up in Uncle Lim's place (yes it's still haunting me) with the suicidal mood I carried all the way up there, I came back scolding myself for punishing other people for what I've done. And so, the final few days of family's trip to KL was spent splendidly at the never thought before places. Pain I might be going through, with knife slashing my one and only beating heart, thinking of how I would actually ruin my entire career laid out in front of me, yet, seeing how mum and dad are growing younger and younger, putting the madness aside and enjoy the very few sacred moments we have together, there and then, it reminded me how they moulded me since I was young, encouraging me participating in stage activities, from play as a doctor in kindy till a state level oral presentation. Noticing the strains of white hairs, the lines of growing old, I've sinned...

I always give myself excuses, postponing the priority for what I thought I would die without. And I remembered a few years ago, how mum cried, scolding herself for not able to bring me up into a fine young man. Dad sat me down in the living room, counseling me, telling me what my priorities should be, that whatever I want to do after I achieved a stable life will be up to myself. And I cried.

Memories like these arises.

As I walked looking on the ground at the pedestrian road along Ang Mo Kio street, with a sling bag dad bought after the belt of my waistpouch broke just a week ago, I was forcing myself to think and be grateful of how God has given me such a wonderful family. Yet, I kept wondering why did I steered away from the path mum and dad wanted me to drive on... Why can't I never be the typical good son mum and dad wanted? True enough, mum told me that I really made them proud. Dad's face was as wide as the paddy field up North, that whenever his colleagues asked as of where his kids are, he would proudly say 2 of his kids are doing proffesional courses in a local uni. More so, the same uni he graduated from. Legacy... And I sobbed silently at night, for I've disgraced his wills and hopes, shattering both his and mum's dreams, eventually driven further and further from coming true...

And it struck me, I've been trying to write a post I'll feel guilty everytime I read it. Oh no no no, it's not what you think about, I'm not going into telling my parents I want to become a monk, I'll wait for the time to ripe for that. Apparently, 2007 pretty much seemed like, a year where Internet has really taken toll on myself. "I can die if I don't online one you know?" as how a friend puts it. Yes true, I honestly can go suicidal if I stay at home and not able to get connected to the internet. Somehow, it seemed like I've made myself a whole new world in the virtual world. Check on resolution number two, and you'll come to realisation, how I've successfully achieved that one... I blame myself. I scold myself. I've lost the discipline I've got back when I was sitting for my SPM. But I suppose, no matter how much I tried, I can never be what I want myself to become...

So be it, I enjoyed my morbid times this year, with black spots all the way through the year, it shall be a year I'll remember by doing nothing but to only run into the bathroom and cried, lots of times... Oh yes, I did hide out in the smelly common bathroom and let the shower ran me cold while I was still in the residential college earlier quarter this year. How dramatic I can be at times.

Still, I have to remind myself again and again, depressive I may be, there are always things that keep me alive. Family, friends, housemies... I thank everyone who've in one way or another, made up my day, erm, I mean days.

Happy New Year everyone. May 2008 be a meaningful journey filled with warmth and love.