I LOVE YOU...

My dad and I weren't that close like how Will Smith and his son in his movie "The Pursuit of Happniness", but I gotta say I admired my dad a lot. My dad is in the education field, as for what exactly he is, I don't think there is any point going there.

See, my dad was born in this really secluded place near the river mouth. Back when he was young, was when Malaya just achieved her independence. But then, Sarawak was still under the British rule, so apparently, like what History taught us, there were all these Communist people going around. And sure hell, it's pretty much a scary story when he told us what happened in his kampung. But eventually, I guess good gene does come from someone smart, LOL, my dad managed to be accepted into the university. Hey, it's not simple to call yourself a university graduate back then okay? What's more, he's not from a rich family when normally the parents just sent their kids to UK or US. My grandparents were actually farmers. So, my dad was very proud that he's actually a graduate from the university where me and my sis are in right now. Awesome huh? But my dad was sort of sorry for himself he didn't do well in Biology, or he would be able to be accepted into Medical school. Sometimes I do wonder how everything would be like if he was in medical school. I would still be here today, my parents were engaged before he left for uni. But then again, he did told us he was such a popular guy back then. LOL

Anyway, I was writing about my dad because I had a dream about him last night. It was pretty... bold, seeing how normally movies and stories just ended up how the kids regretted they didn't treat their dads nicely while they were still alive and walking. But yea, it was a bold dream. Embarrassingly, I did sort of, cried to wake myself up. And when I woke up, my cheeks were wet. Don't laugh! I might not be a diva, but still, I'm emotionally sensitive, especially when it comes to family matters. I might be pretty rebellious nowadays, since Little Billy had grown up. I was pretty harsh whenever my mum called me. My dad on the other hand seldom called me. Perhaps it's true with the quote that mothers are always the nagging one. I'm not complaining really, I'm okay with her calling me every morning and every night. It's just that, I'm angry at myself I never did spoke nicely whenever she called. I just wanted the call to end soon. Really bad of me huh?

Anyway, back to my dad. He called me two weeks ago. Mum was down with viral infection. She didn't call one day. I admit I was pretty worried that day. Finally, my phone rang and well, caller ID showed "Father" instead of "Mother". Dude, it freaked me out I thought something huge happened to mum. Dad called telling me mum fell sick and was sleeping already. Other than that, he just asked me about whether I still have enough money to use. Dad never asked me how I do, how I get along with my friends, or plainly, if I'm catching up. He assumed I'm doing okay, that I'm doing well in my studies and all. I'm okay, I won't be the bitch who complaints about everything. So, it's natural that no one in the family knows I'm actually broke as hell, and almost resolved into volunteering myself for drugs bioequivalence test. Not that it was bad, but then, my parents never allowed us to do part-time before. So basically, I've been pretty much doing a lot of stuff myself nowadays without telling anyone in the family.

It just struck me badly how I need to carry on being the MAN figure of my family should something bad happened to my dad. I like to think my dad's going to live long and everything is fine. But apparently, his life has been pretty.. bumpy, in his career. But so far, I truthfully thank God he's doing alright. However, it's just natural of me to constantly remindind myself how important he is or else, I'll DIE. I seriously tell you, I'll die. It's not easy rasing TWO kids in Kuala Lumpur when you still have a wife and a son beside yourself. I suppose they're really saving a lot for us. Yet, I'm the ungrateful son who just spend my money like water. My sis scolded me how mum was worried about our financial states back when I just moved out in April. It was all of a sudden my dad has to scoop an additional 10k just to tend to my needs. I was, a horrible kid and ended up not even talking to my sis for 2 weeks until we went home for the holiday.

I hate it when they keep stuff from me. I just so hate it when problems occured at home, and they don't inform me. If the problem's self-limiting, then it's fine. But then, problems as big as financial problem, they just talked to my sis behind my back! It like they have this habbit of thinking I need all my concentration on my studies. But I honestly will go nuts if I do that. Dad's the quiet type. He solved his problem without asking help from other people. He'll only consult mum when he's on the verge of breakdown. Mum on the other hand, would try to share the stress with everyone else, not everyone as in EVERYONE. But at least, telling my sis about it somehow helps relieve the tension sometimes. Plus, mum's the one always thinking I cannot be bothered. Not like I CANNOT be, I just don't want to be bothered with the little stuff. Problems like financial problem, grandma falling sick, dad's problem with work, those are big issues, BIG ISSUES I want to be updated. I don't want to be the last one to know. I'm not a kid anymore. I don't want to be like when I was in primary 2, that I tought grandma was alright, and the following week I was attending her funeral. At least I know stuff now, I could help figuring out what we could do. I just hate they keep stuff away from me.

Anyway, I made Dad a disc for father's day last year. I collected some of his photos from his university years, his marriage, having the first child, me and my brother later on, and some of his career and our vacation together. I digitalized them and made him a video, producing this movie disc like I usually do with our vacation. I showed my sis, she nearly cried. I showed my mum, she cried as well. The women, for what I know, cried for pretty much the same reason. Mum was saying it's just so touching how life's so short I somehow summarized 40 years in 20 minutes. Sis was, I'd say, emotionally sensitive like myself. We gave the disc to dad as a gift for that day. He didn't play it in the living room. He took it and watched it in his office. I didn't know how he would react, but mum said he would most probably cried and didn't want to let us see.

I'm sorry I wasn't quite a filial son. I made my dad go berserk a few times. There was once when I was just in my stupid childish mode I shun myself from everyone that I didn't even answer when my dad talked to me. He shut the door so hard, so angry that he went back to his room. Mum came over later on and cried. She said dad was utterly disappointed with me. And she left. I was, insensitive back then, I tried not to show my feelings. But after they all slept, I felt immensely miserable. Dad's the type who don't really show what he feels. Once anyone can read his emotions, that means he IS deeply feeling it that he just can't resist to show it out. I felt like shit. It was all my fault. And I punished them for that. I shouldn't have, but I just did.

Anyhow, I never did go tell my dad how much I love him, or how much I thank him even, because he never did brought us up that way. It was awkward. But I hope my being accepted into a medical school would at the very least made him proud.