On the Aching Heart

Have you ever felt this dull ache on the center of your chest? It's as if something heavy is pressing on you. Actually i wouldnt even call it pain. It's as if you are wearing a shirt so tight, your ribs are not expanding right. You can't breathe easily and every breathes you take requires some effort. Your breathes are shorter than usual, and at times you take deep breathes. You can't sit still. You can't pace around. You snap easily. You're irritated at the tiniest thing. You swear at the other drivers for being slow. You find your lover's chatty a pain in the ear. You just want some space of your own.

And you recognize, you are stressed. Or anxious.

Anna Freud, daughter of Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis, proposed that human is driven towards tension reduction to reduce feelings of anxiety - an aversive inner state that people seek to avoid or escape. I concur, whole-heartedly. It is only natural that human behave that way. My opinion is that, our mind would often find a way to overcome this form of unease - I mean anxiety, triggered by unpleasant surroundings or happenings, that may have not been what we would have expect to happen. Freud then further explained on what are defence mechanisms - our subconscious coping to these anxiety - in order to reduce tension. She classified anxiety into reality anxiety - physically present, real; neurotic anxiety -the unconscious fear that our primitive impulses to act in favor of pleasures; and moral anxiety - when our impulsiveness violate the social acceptance and expectations or cultural practices and beliefs.

Having said that, have you ever felt the anxiety of recognizing that you feel anxious and knowing clearly why (and I mean 3 seperate entities here: knowing that you feel anxious, why you feel anxious and anxious because you know you're anxious and know why you're anxious), and yet unable to find a viable solution to it and consciously trying to keep and ensure your sanity, that at the end of the day, you feel so tired physically, emotionally and psychologically?
 
When is this ever going to end? You ask.
Why is this happening? You ask again.

And you ask more.
What will happen?
Am I strong enough?
Is what I'm doing right?
Should I just give up?
Can I run away and hide?
Can I end my life?
Should I come clean and be honest?

And the worries continue. The tension continues. You are just containing it. But for how long? You don't know yourself.

Now back to the heart ache.
It is the physical manifestation of these queries and curiosity and tension - you know it.
And as it is physically not comfortable, you tried to think and repress the real problem by addressing the physical manifestation. But you know that it won't help with the discomfort because the illness and sickness and the root cause, occurs in the mind. 

And so, you start to rationalise again.  And ask the same questions all over again. To a point where you wonder, if you are going insane for being obsessively ruminating over this matter. And then you stop. Inhale deeply. Trying to find a solution again.

But.
You fail.
And the cycle continues. 

So yeah..
I am "you" now.